We're all human here

I feel as though I have some sort of philosophical thing to say every day here about human interaction. I guess that's because human interaction is what I'm most interested in.  One day I hope to make studying human interaction and emotions my life; I want to be a psychologist. Some times I wish that I could read minds, but then again there's a lot of thoughts that I don't think I'd ever want to hear. There's some of my own thoughts that I'd rather not hear sometimes ...

I've had many realizations in the last few days. I always blamed certain things going on in my life on other people, but I've realized that it's not them, it's me. My personality has changed in the last year or more, which explains the change in the people surrounding me and their reaction to me. I'm a naturally flirty person now, as much as I try hard not to be. My friend keeps telling me that it's really bad, but I honestly never saw it until recently. I don't know what to do about it because it's not something that I can help. It's bizarre how much confidence I've gained. I couldn't even tell you how I gained it. All I know is one day I woke up and I realized that constantly wondering and worrying what people thought of me was holding me back from being who I really am; for embracing who I am.

There's no point living in constant fear of what people think of you. If people don't like you for who you are, and even if it's the most cliche saying in the world, they're not worth it. If they don't like you for who you are, then you shouldn't like them for who they are. Anyone who can't accept someone who is different to them needs a serious reality check. Nobody in the world is the same as any other person. We've all grown up different, had different life experiences, learn different values but ultimately we're all the same: human. We're all human, none of us are better than the other. We need to all learn to accept each other. I feel hypocritical saying all this because I don't accept people that don't accept other people, but those who don't accept people who are different with no valid reason other than just because they're not the same as them aren't people in my eyes.

One day I hope people wise up and realize what they're doing to the world.

Relationships

It's weird how relationships can seemingly fade to nothing in a matter of minutes - but then again, if they do, does it mean you ever had a connection worthy enough of a relationship? I've been thinking a lot recently about how different people show how they care for others. Some people are particularly forthcoming with their feelings, some hide it in order to protect themselves and then there's that weird middle point where you never know quite what's happening with them. There's some people who'll hide their feelings one day, then be entirely truthful the next. I think those are the ones to look out for.

Relationships are fragile. We see that every day in the people around us, and often in our very own lives. We see a fight breaking out in the school corridor, a girl crying on the phone about something that's upset her, lives lost every day around us. We never know what we're going to do or say that can affect those relationships either. One minute, we're joking innocently, and the next it seems like a personal attack at someone because they're having a bad day. One minute you're expressing your point of view, and the next the person who's always told you they'd 'be there for you' is outraged and refuses to talk to you. Some days, you even wake up in the morning and realise that you don't like the relationships you're in; you don't like your friends, family, significant other. Some days you wake up in the morning and just know you're going to do something and fuck up a relationship with someone for good.

Those are the lucky days; the ones that you can actually feel coming. The unlucky ones come when you have no idea what you're about to do, only to do it and instantly regret it - except you can't let yourself regret it because you've always told yourself to never regret anything; to learn from it. So really everything is your fault, and you feel like shit because of it. Relationships are fragile and breaking them is just about the easiest and most common thing anyone can do in their lives. It's generally not always your fault, but for some reason you go on blaming yourself every single time that you think back on it.

Relationships with people, friends, and family are hard but once you get them right, a relationship with a person can be the most amazing thing in the world to you.

Dear world,

I just want to let you know that I may not know who I am exactly right now, but I know who I'm not. I don't conform to the ideals that you set for normal teenage females. I don't dress like others because I specifically want to emulate them, I don't cut my hair because my hair style has gone out of fashion, I don't act differently in front of certain people in order to fit in. I won't be peer pressured; I do what I want to do. I listen to my parents when it really counts. I learn from my mistakes. I have loved, been loved, been sad, angry, frightened, depressed, confused, happy, joyous. I have been every emotion in the world. I have been almost every type of person in the world trying to figure out who I am. I have lied, I have stole, I have cheated at a game of Monopoly. I've lived a life that my parents can be proud of ... mostly. There's some things that parents just don't want to know about their children. I hold resentment, I hold grudges. It's not easy for me to forgive and forget to matter how many times I'm told I should. I have trust issues; I never trust anyone fully. I have issues with getting emotionally close to people. I hate seafood, I dislike any kind of mint and chocolate mixture and I really like chocolate cheese cake. I may not know exactly who I am, but I know a damn lot more than you do about me.

I will not be treated like a baby because of people percieve me to be one. I will not be labelled as I do not believe that I can be labelled accurately. I'm me. My own person. This is my life, and I'll live it the way that I want to. I don't need people coming into my life and telling me what I can and can't do with it. I don't need your help, your sympathy, your guidance. I've made it through the last 17 and a half years without it. Let me live my life how I want to live it.

Love

I thought that I hated you, now I realise that I only hate myself.

How naive

I thought I had everything figured out for a minute there, then the world goes and unravels everything at the seams.

Procrastination

My friend once told me that procrastination is a lot like masturbation; it's good while it lasts but in the end you realise you've just fucked yourself. I'm supposed to be doing my English essay which is due in tomorrow. I've done the introduction and now I've totally blanked. Why can't my mind stop thinking about everything at once? It's leaving me no room to concentrate. Man, I need some motivation. On top of it all I'm hungry. So in other words, I'm fucked.

Dreaming

I dreamt about him last night. I don't know what I think or feel anymore. I'm fairly sure he still has a girlfriend. Then there's that other boy. I saw that one at school today and was almost dying to have a conversation with him. I hate this feeling. I hate feeling insecure and unsure; I've been that way all my life and it seemed like it was getting better for a while there. I don't know if I like them or merely just want attention. Am I the type of person that needs constant attention? I really hope not ...

Confused

I can't help but to be confused by my thoughts and my feelings. I broke up with my now ex boyfriend about 4 months ago and that's fine, I couldn't care less about that anymore, but after that I just told myself I wouldn't bother anymore. I told myself that it wasn't worth even liking another boy so I told myself I wasn't going to. Now I find myself liking two, both of whom seem to have girlfriends or at least a very rocky relationship with a female. I don't know what to do. I've decided to do nothing about it and be friends with them both but they're not exactly making it very easy. I feel as if they're subtly flirting with me and as much as I try to not notice it I keep noticing it. It's not made easier when my friends notice it too.

Maybe I'm reading into it too much. I don't want a relationship. I don't want a boyfriend or someone like that. I just want to be friends with guys without this drama.

It's been a while.

So, I've officially started my last year of school as of 3 weeks ago. I have 9 months left to go and I'm both terrified and elated at the possibility of finally finishing and moving away from home. This town has been my home for the last 12 years and I can honestly say I'll miss being here. That isn't to say that I don't want to get out of here, it's kind of a hole, but I'll miss the familiarity and the comfort that this silly little town provides.

Something about getting my exam dates already has me freaked as well. It all seems so real now and the end is getting nearer and nearer with each passing day. I hope it's a good year, because I know I'll remember it for the rest of my life.

From Lauren, With Love.

Dear smokers of the world,

I get that it’s addicting and hard to quit, but if you care enough it shouldn’t be. Every smoke that you inhale into your lungs is causing damage and killing you. It’s common knowledge nowdays so people can’t use the excuse of “I didn’t know” anymore. My parents were both smokers. My dad quit because he was only really doing it occasionally to look “cool” to his friends. My mother still smokes and I try to get her to stop all the time. I honestly don’t want my mother dying prematurely from something that she’s voluntarily doing to herself. I tell every smoker that I come accross that they should quit. It’s not because i’m trying to be annoying and tell them what to do and how to “conform” it’s because I care enough to try and prevent them from damaging their lungs and ruining their lives. I’m not going to stop nagging people to quit. It’s a horrible addiction. You can make whatever choice that you want to about it. If you want to smoke, smoke. Just know that I’ll be making my own choice to advice you not to. Not only for the little children that you’re smoking around and all the other non smokers you’re potentially giving cancer; but mostly for yourselves. Someone needs to help you, and someone needs to care enough to tell you to stop. I’ll be that person. Even if you hate me because of it.

From Lauren, With Love.