It's weird how through your life you be so sure or something and then have it all crumble down in a matter of minutes. It's weird how a few days with someone can change your entire perception on relationships and your stance on them. I guess I still don't want to be in a relationship because I like freedom so much and I'm sure I'd suck at being someones, but it's nice to just have someone there sometimes.

I spent the last few days with a guy I met while on schoolies. Schoolies is for high school graduates where they go off and party and celebrate finishing school and generally just try to have sex or make out with as many people as possible. I guess that's what it was with this guy to begin with. Don't get me wrong, I have no particular feelings for him nor am I proclaiming my un-dying love or something equally as rediculous and creepy, but it was nice to have someone for a while. For so long I've kept people at arms length and refused to be couply because all it does is lead to drama in my life and puts me in situations that I just don't want to be in. It was different this time though, I found myself weirdly okay with it. I'm not sure if it was because I was practically drunk for 3 days straight or whether or not it was because I knew it couldn't go anywhere because we weren't in each others lives.

I think I enjoy knowing that something isn't able to go any further than I'm comfortable with. I could never see this boy again in my life if I want to, or I could make an effort to see him. I could add him on facebook or not. I could have awkward conversations or not. I like that power. If it was someone that I knew from where I lived it would be a different story and I'd be in the situation that I find myself in right now where I'm not comfortable with how regular and common this thing is becoming. It's been twice, but there's been suggestions of more. I'm leaving the country in approximately 90 days - I'm not looking for any commitment, and even if I was then it wouldn't be anyone that I've met as yet.

I guess I just like the idea of attention - of someone making a big deal over me and surrounding me in their lives. I like to become a part of a persons life for a while. I think I need to start being friends with people instead of letting hormones take over. I don't regret the last few days, or really any other time because I have had some good times and have met some pretty awesome people but I don't understand why I keep doing this to myself. I surround myself with someone only to push them away (or separate due to distances) and then feel alone and sad. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be with anyone in particular either. I'm conflicted and I'm sure if I was someone on the outside looking in right now I'd think that my life was a rediculous mess.

I'm too tired to think clearly but all I know right now is that It's going to suck when I get into bed in 5 minutes and it's empty and I'm alone...