So, my schooling life is almost completely over. I had my last day of high school ever mere days ago and it already seems like forever ago. I've still got 7 exams to make it through, then I'm free forever. I haven't decided quite how I feel about that yet. I guess I'm excited, thrilled even, on some level that it's finally over. Thirteen years of my life however has been dedicated to school and it's sad to see it coming to a close. There's so many people that I've gotten to know all these years that I just know I'll probably never talk to again. This makes me want to cry. I don't know what I'm going to do without everyone; seeing them every day.
Not only that, but I recently got confused as to whether or not I have feelings for this one guy (forget the mentions of all the other guys I've gotten confused over because this is an entirely new one - man there's been a few!). I recently re-realised that he was super attractive. Not quite the strikingly sexy kind of attractive, I guess the only word that I can think of is pretty but that doesn't suit him. I guess you could say handsome. In my drunken haze after our last day of school I convinced myself it was a great idea to attempt to kiss him (which went rather miserably I might add) but I'm not entirely sure if it's because I was drunk or because it was a 'deep burning desire'. I guess I'm just conflicted because I know I'm leaving the country for ages in a few months and maybe this is my brains way of always finding a way to like what's not available to me. He's not the 'random hookup' type and neither am I so it just doesn't seem fair to attempt to pursue it. Not to mention he's shown no interest in me at all.
There's something about him though that intrigues me. I've been going to school with him for around 6 years now and I've only ever had very brief conversations with him and I barely know him. Maybe it's some sort of great mystery I've just got to unravel. Who is he? I do seem to like unravelling mysteries. I just ... don't know what it is about him. He always has the same facial expression, the same style tone of voice and the same mannerisms. I've never seen him particularly overjoyed at something or upset. I guess I'm just captivated by that. I'm on overly outward person. If I'm feeling something everyone else can see it written in my face. I cry, I laugh, I jump, I dance. He stands there modelesque 24/7. I swear that boy can't look anything but perfect. I just feel like the biggest creeper ever though. What is wrong with me? Why now? Why do we always seem to do this to ourselves? We know that we can't have something and that the window of opportunity is closing in on us, but yet that's when we decide we want it. Or maybe want it in my case. I'm still confused.
If I've learnt anything over these last 13 years of school it's that school teaches you nothing about how to survive in the world. You can be taught all the figures and facts until they're coming out of your shin bones but you'll still know jack-shit about relationships, love, friendships and life. That you learn by experience. No text book can ever suffice as the sole teacher of life. I've clearly got a lot to figure out, and I'm excited about finally finding an opportunity to do so. I've just got to decide where to go from here.
Look out world, I'm coming.
From Lauren, with love.
