We're all human here

I feel as though I have some sort of philosophical thing to say every day here about human interaction. I guess that's because human interaction is what I'm most interested in.  One day I hope to make studying human interaction and emotions my life; I want to be a psychologist. Some times I wish that I could read minds, but then again there's a lot of thoughts that I don't think I'd ever want to hear. There's some of my own thoughts that I'd rather not hear sometimes ...

I've had many realizations in the last few days. I always blamed certain things going on in my life on other people, but I've realized that it's not them, it's me. My personality has changed in the last year or more, which explains the change in the people surrounding me and their reaction to me. I'm a naturally flirty person now, as much as I try hard not to be. My friend keeps telling me that it's really bad, but I honestly never saw it until recently. I don't know what to do about it because it's not something that I can help. It's bizarre how much confidence I've gained. I couldn't even tell you how I gained it. All I know is one day I woke up and I realized that constantly wondering and worrying what people thought of me was holding me back from being who I really am; for embracing who I am.

There's no point living in constant fear of what people think of you. If people don't like you for who you are, and even if it's the most cliche saying in the world, they're not worth it. If they don't like you for who you are, then you shouldn't like them for who they are. Anyone who can't accept someone who is different to them needs a serious reality check. Nobody in the world is the same as any other person. We've all grown up different, had different life experiences, learn different values but ultimately we're all the same: human. We're all human, none of us are better than the other. We need to all learn to accept each other. I feel hypocritical saying all this because I don't accept people that don't accept other people, but those who don't accept people who are different with no valid reason other than just because they're not the same as them aren't people in my eyes.

One day I hope people wise up and realize what they're doing to the world.

Relationships

It's weird how relationships can seemingly fade to nothing in a matter of minutes - but then again, if they do, does it mean you ever had a connection worthy enough of a relationship? I've been thinking a lot recently about how different people show how they care for others. Some people are particularly forthcoming with their feelings, some hide it in order to protect themselves and then there's that weird middle point where you never know quite what's happening with them. There's some people who'll hide their feelings one day, then be entirely truthful the next. I think those are the ones to look out for.

Relationships are fragile. We see that every day in the people around us, and often in our very own lives. We see a fight breaking out in the school corridor, a girl crying on the phone about something that's upset her, lives lost every day around us. We never know what we're going to do or say that can affect those relationships either. One minute, we're joking innocently, and the next it seems like a personal attack at someone because they're having a bad day. One minute you're expressing your point of view, and the next the person who's always told you they'd 'be there for you' is outraged and refuses to talk to you. Some days, you even wake up in the morning and realise that you don't like the relationships you're in; you don't like your friends, family, significant other. Some days you wake up in the morning and just know you're going to do something and fuck up a relationship with someone for good.

Those are the lucky days; the ones that you can actually feel coming. The unlucky ones come when you have no idea what you're about to do, only to do it and instantly regret it - except you can't let yourself regret it because you've always told yourself to never regret anything; to learn from it. So really everything is your fault, and you feel like shit because of it. Relationships are fragile and breaking them is just about the easiest and most common thing anyone can do in their lives. It's generally not always your fault, but for some reason you go on blaming yourself every single time that you think back on it.

Relationships with people, friends, and family are hard but once you get them right, a relationship with a person can be the most amazing thing in the world to you.

Dear world,

I just want to let you know that I may not know who I am exactly right now, but I know who I'm not. I don't conform to the ideals that you set for normal teenage females. I don't dress like others because I specifically want to emulate them, I don't cut my hair because my hair style has gone out of fashion, I don't act differently in front of certain people in order to fit in. I won't be peer pressured; I do what I want to do. I listen to my parents when it really counts. I learn from my mistakes. I have loved, been loved, been sad, angry, frightened, depressed, confused, happy, joyous. I have been every emotion in the world. I have been almost every type of person in the world trying to figure out who I am. I have lied, I have stole, I have cheated at a game of Monopoly. I've lived a life that my parents can be proud of ... mostly. There's some things that parents just don't want to know about their children. I hold resentment, I hold grudges. It's not easy for me to forgive and forget to matter how many times I'm told I should. I have trust issues; I never trust anyone fully. I have issues with getting emotionally close to people. I hate seafood, I dislike any kind of mint and chocolate mixture and I really like chocolate cheese cake. I may not know exactly who I am, but I know a damn lot more than you do about me.

I will not be treated like a baby because of people percieve me to be one. I will not be labelled as I do not believe that I can be labelled accurately. I'm me. My own person. This is my life, and I'll live it the way that I want to. I don't need people coming into my life and telling me what I can and can't do with it. I don't need your help, your sympathy, your guidance. I've made it through the last 17 and a half years without it. Let me live my life how I want to live it.

Love

I thought that I hated you, now I realise that I only hate myself.