It's weird how through your life you be so sure or something and then have it all crumble down in a matter of minutes. It's weird how a few days with someone can change your entire perception on relationships and your stance on them. I guess I still don't want to be in a relationship because I like freedom so much and I'm sure I'd suck at being someones, but it's nice to just have someone there sometimes.
I spent the last few days with a guy I met while on schoolies. Schoolies is for high school graduates where they go off and party and celebrate finishing school and generally just try to have sex or make out with as many people as possible. I guess that's what it was with this guy to begin with. Don't get me wrong, I have no particular feelings for him nor am I proclaiming my un-dying love or something equally as rediculous and creepy, but it was nice to have someone for a while. For so long I've kept people at arms length and refused to be couply because all it does is lead to drama in my life and puts me in situations that I just don't want to be in. It was different this time though, I found myself weirdly okay with it. I'm not sure if it was because I was practically drunk for 3 days straight or whether or not it was because I knew it couldn't go anywhere because we weren't in each others lives.
I think I enjoy knowing that something isn't able to go any further than I'm comfortable with. I could never see this boy again in my life if I want to, or I could make an effort to see him. I could add him on facebook or not. I could have awkward conversations or not. I like that power. If it was someone that I knew from where I lived it would be a different story and I'd be in the situation that I find myself in right now where I'm not comfortable with how regular and common this thing is becoming. It's been twice, but there's been suggestions of more. I'm leaving the country in approximately 90 days - I'm not looking for any commitment, and even if I was then it wouldn't be anyone that I've met as yet.
I guess I just like the idea of attention - of someone making a big deal over me and surrounding me in their lives. I like to become a part of a persons life for a while. I think I need to start being friends with people instead of letting hormones take over. I don't regret the last few days, or really any other time because I have had some good times and have met some pretty awesome people but I don't understand why I keep doing this to myself. I surround myself with someone only to push them away (or separate due to distances) and then feel alone and sad. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be with anyone in particular either. I'm conflicted and I'm sure if I was someone on the outside looking in right now I'd think that my life was a rediculous mess.
I'm too tired to think clearly but all I know right now is that It's going to suck when I get into bed in 5 minutes and it's empty and I'm alone...
Friday, November 26, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
The end of an era...
So, my schooling life is almost completely over. I had my last day of high school ever mere days ago and it already seems like forever ago. I've still got 7 exams to make it through, then I'm free forever. I haven't decided quite how I feel about that yet. I guess I'm excited, thrilled even, on some level that it's finally over. Thirteen years of my life however has been dedicated to school and it's sad to see it coming to a close. There's so many people that I've gotten to know all these years that I just know I'll probably never talk to again. This makes me want to cry. I don't know what I'm going to do without everyone; seeing them every day.
Not only that, but I recently got confused as to whether or not I have feelings for this one guy (forget the mentions of all the other guys I've gotten confused over because this is an entirely new one - man there's been a few!). I recently re-realised that he was super attractive. Not quite the strikingly sexy kind of attractive, I guess the only word that I can think of is pretty but that doesn't suit him. I guess you could say handsome. In my drunken haze after our last day of school I convinced myself it was a great idea to attempt to kiss him (which went rather miserably I might add) but I'm not entirely sure if it's because I was drunk or because it was a 'deep burning desire'. I guess I'm just conflicted because I know I'm leaving the country for ages in a few months and maybe this is my brains way of always finding a way to like what's not available to me. He's not the 'random hookup' type and neither am I so it just doesn't seem fair to attempt to pursue it. Not to mention he's shown no interest in me at all.
There's something about him though that intrigues me. I've been going to school with him for around 6 years now and I've only ever had very brief conversations with him and I barely know him. Maybe it's some sort of great mystery I've just got to unravel. Who is he? I do seem to like unravelling mysteries. I just ... don't know what it is about him. He always has the same facial expression, the same style tone of voice and the same mannerisms. I've never seen him particularly overjoyed at something or upset. I guess I'm just captivated by that. I'm on overly outward person. If I'm feeling something everyone else can see it written in my face. I cry, I laugh, I jump, I dance. He stands there modelesque 24/7. I swear that boy can't look anything but perfect. I just feel like the biggest creeper ever though. What is wrong with me? Why now? Why do we always seem to do this to ourselves? We know that we can't have something and that the window of opportunity is closing in on us, but yet that's when we decide we want it. Or maybe want it in my case. I'm still confused.
If I've learnt anything over these last 13 years of school it's that school teaches you nothing about how to survive in the world. You can be taught all the figures and facts until they're coming out of your shin bones but you'll still know jack-shit about relationships, love, friendships and life. That you learn by experience. No text book can ever suffice as the sole teacher of life. I've clearly got a lot to figure out, and I'm excited about finally finding an opportunity to do so. I've just got to decide where to go from here.
Look out world, I'm coming.
From Lauren, with love.
Not only that, but I recently got confused as to whether or not I have feelings for this one guy (forget the mentions of all the other guys I've gotten confused over because this is an entirely new one - man there's been a few!). I recently re-realised that he was super attractive. Not quite the strikingly sexy kind of attractive, I guess the only word that I can think of is pretty but that doesn't suit him. I guess you could say handsome. In my drunken haze after our last day of school I convinced myself it was a great idea to attempt to kiss him (which went rather miserably I might add) but I'm not entirely sure if it's because I was drunk or because it was a 'deep burning desire'. I guess I'm just conflicted because I know I'm leaving the country for ages in a few months and maybe this is my brains way of always finding a way to like what's not available to me. He's not the 'random hookup' type and neither am I so it just doesn't seem fair to attempt to pursue it. Not to mention he's shown no interest in me at all.
There's something about him though that intrigues me. I've been going to school with him for around 6 years now and I've only ever had very brief conversations with him and I barely know him. Maybe it's some sort of great mystery I've just got to unravel. Who is he? I do seem to like unravelling mysteries. I just ... don't know what it is about him. He always has the same facial expression, the same style tone of voice and the same mannerisms. I've never seen him particularly overjoyed at something or upset. I guess I'm just captivated by that. I'm on overly outward person. If I'm feeling something everyone else can see it written in my face. I cry, I laugh, I jump, I dance. He stands there modelesque 24/7. I swear that boy can't look anything but perfect. I just feel like the biggest creeper ever though. What is wrong with me? Why now? Why do we always seem to do this to ourselves? We know that we can't have something and that the window of opportunity is closing in on us, but yet that's when we decide we want it. Or maybe want it in my case. I'm still confused.
If I've learnt anything over these last 13 years of school it's that school teaches you nothing about how to survive in the world. You can be taught all the figures and facts until they're coming out of your shin bones but you'll still know jack-shit about relationships, love, friendships and life. That you learn by experience. No text book can ever suffice as the sole teacher of life. I've clearly got a lot to figure out, and I'm excited about finally finding an opportunity to do so. I've just got to decide where to go from here.
Look out world, I'm coming.
From Lauren, with love.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Living life
So a lot of things have changed since I posted here last. I feel as though I almost have a new perspective and joy for life. I find myself living in the future a lot; like, 'I can't wait till this happens', but I'm trying to change. I find that if you live too much in the future you forget to live in the now and pay attention to the beauty that surrounds you every day. Even the smallest, seemingly insignificant thing can change your life if you want it to. I love that. I love the fact that I have the ability to change someone's life, hopefully for the good as well. I don't understand people who constantly bring others down for something that they can't change. Paying someone out for their looks is stupid, they can hardly change the fact that they have an oval shaped head and feet the size of a babies.
I think people need to stop making others feel bad to make themselves feel better. No one person is better than anyone else. I try to live this way, and understand how hard it can be to stay on track. You just need to remember that inside every person is an insecure, beautiful person. Everyone has the right to feel special and comfortable with who they are.
I think people need to stop making others feel bad to make themselves feel better. No one person is better than anyone else. I try to live this way, and understand how hard it can be to stay on track. You just need to remember that inside every person is an insecure, beautiful person. Everyone has the right to feel special and comfortable with who they are.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
We're all human here
I feel as though I have some sort of philosophical thing to say every day here about human interaction. I guess that's because human interaction is what I'm most interested in. One day I hope to make studying human interaction and emotions my life; I want to be a psychologist. Some times I wish that I could read minds, but then again there's a lot of thoughts that I don't think I'd ever want to hear. There's some of my own thoughts that I'd rather not hear sometimes ...
I've had many realizations in the last few days. I always blamed certain things going on in my life on other people, but I've realized that it's not them, it's me. My personality has changed in the last year or more, which explains the change in the people surrounding me and their reaction to me. I'm a naturally flirty person now, as much as I try hard not to be. My friend keeps telling me that it's really bad, but I honestly never saw it until recently. I don't know what to do about it because it's not something that I can help. It's bizarre how much confidence I've gained. I couldn't even tell you how I gained it. All I know is one day I woke up and I realized that constantly wondering and worrying what people thought of me was holding me back from being who I really am; for embracing who I am.
There's no point living in constant fear of what people think of you. If people don't like you for who you are, and even if it's the most cliche saying in the world, they're not worth it. If they don't like you for who you are, then you shouldn't like them for who they are. Anyone who can't accept someone who is different to them needs a serious reality check. Nobody in the world is the same as any other person. We've all grown up different, had different life experiences, learn different values but ultimately we're all the same: human. We're all human, none of us are better than the other. We need to all learn to accept each other. I feel hypocritical saying all this because I don't accept people that don't accept other people, but those who don't accept people who are different with no valid reason other than just because they're not the same as them aren't people in my eyes.
One day I hope people wise up and realize what they're doing to the world.
I've had many realizations in the last few days. I always blamed certain things going on in my life on other people, but I've realized that it's not them, it's me. My personality has changed in the last year or more, which explains the change in the people surrounding me and their reaction to me. I'm a naturally flirty person now, as much as I try hard not to be. My friend keeps telling me that it's really bad, but I honestly never saw it until recently. I don't know what to do about it because it's not something that I can help. It's bizarre how much confidence I've gained. I couldn't even tell you how I gained it. All I know is one day I woke up and I realized that constantly wondering and worrying what people thought of me was holding me back from being who I really am; for embracing who I am.
There's no point living in constant fear of what people think of you. If people don't like you for who you are, and even if it's the most cliche saying in the world, they're not worth it. If they don't like you for who you are, then you shouldn't like them for who they are. Anyone who can't accept someone who is different to them needs a serious reality check. Nobody in the world is the same as any other person. We've all grown up different, had different life experiences, learn different values but ultimately we're all the same: human. We're all human, none of us are better than the other. We need to all learn to accept each other. I feel hypocritical saying all this because I don't accept people that don't accept other people, but those who don't accept people who are different with no valid reason other than just because they're not the same as them aren't people in my eyes.
One day I hope people wise up and realize what they're doing to the world.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Relationships
It's weird how relationships can seemingly fade to nothing in a matter of minutes - but then again, if they do, does it mean you ever had a connection worthy enough of a relationship? I've been thinking a lot recently about how different people show how they care for others. Some people are particularly forthcoming with their feelings, some hide it in order to protect themselves and then there's that weird middle point where you never know quite what's happening with them. There's some people who'll hide their feelings one day, then be entirely truthful the next. I think those are the ones to look out for.
Relationships are fragile. We see that every day in the people around us, and often in our very own lives. We see a fight breaking out in the school corridor, a girl crying on the phone about something that's upset her, lives lost every day around us. We never know what we're going to do or say that can affect those relationships either. One minute, we're joking innocently, and the next it seems like a personal attack at someone because they're having a bad day. One minute you're expressing your point of view, and the next the person who's always told you they'd 'be there for you' is outraged and refuses to talk to you. Some days, you even wake up in the morning and realise that you don't like the relationships you're in; you don't like your friends, family, significant other. Some days you wake up in the morning and just know you're going to do something and fuck up a relationship with someone for good.
Those are the lucky days; the ones that you can actually feel coming. The unlucky ones come when you have no idea what you're about to do, only to do it and instantly regret it - except you can't let yourself regret it because you've always told yourself to never regret anything; to learn from it. So really everything is your fault, and you feel like shit because of it. Relationships are fragile and breaking them is just about the easiest and most common thing anyone can do in their lives. It's generally not always your fault, but for some reason you go on blaming yourself every single time that you think back on it.
Relationships with people, friends, and family are hard but once you get them right, a relationship with a person can be the most amazing thing in the world to you.
Relationships are fragile. We see that every day in the people around us, and often in our very own lives. We see a fight breaking out in the school corridor, a girl crying on the phone about something that's upset her, lives lost every day around us. We never know what we're going to do or say that can affect those relationships either. One minute, we're joking innocently, and the next it seems like a personal attack at someone because they're having a bad day. One minute you're expressing your point of view, and the next the person who's always told you they'd 'be there for you' is outraged and refuses to talk to you. Some days, you even wake up in the morning and realise that you don't like the relationships you're in; you don't like your friends, family, significant other. Some days you wake up in the morning and just know you're going to do something and fuck up a relationship with someone for good.
Those are the lucky days; the ones that you can actually feel coming. The unlucky ones come when you have no idea what you're about to do, only to do it and instantly regret it - except you can't let yourself regret it because you've always told yourself to never regret anything; to learn from it. So really everything is your fault, and you feel like shit because of it. Relationships are fragile and breaking them is just about the easiest and most common thing anyone can do in their lives. It's generally not always your fault, but for some reason you go on blaming yourself every single time that you think back on it.
Relationships with people, friends, and family are hard but once you get them right, a relationship with a person can be the most amazing thing in the world to you.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Dear world,
I just want to let you know that I may not know who I am exactly right now, but I know who I'm not. I don't conform to the ideals that you set for normal teenage females. I don't dress like others because I specifically want to emulate them, I don't cut my hair because my hair style has gone out of fashion, I don't act differently in front of certain people in order to fit in. I won't be peer pressured; I do what I want to do. I listen to my parents when it really counts. I learn from my mistakes. I have loved, been loved, been sad, angry, frightened, depressed, confused, happy, joyous. I have been every emotion in the world. I have been almost every type of person in the world trying to figure out who I am. I have lied, I have stole, I have cheated at a game of Monopoly. I've lived a life that my parents can be proud of ... mostly. There's some things that parents just don't want to know about their children. I hold resentment, I hold grudges. It's not easy for me to forgive and forget to matter how many times I'm told I should. I have trust issues; I never trust anyone fully. I have issues with getting emotionally close to people. I hate seafood, I dislike any kind of mint and chocolate mixture and I really like chocolate cheese cake. I may not know exactly who I am, but I know a damn lot more than you do about me.
I will not be treated like a baby because of people percieve me to be one. I will not be labelled as I do not believe that I can be labelled accurately. I'm me. My own person. This is my life, and I'll live it the way that I want to. I don't need people coming into my life and telling me what I can and can't do with it. I don't need your help, your sympathy, your guidance. I've made it through the last 17 and a half years without it. Let me live my life how I want to live it.
I will not be treated like a baby because of people percieve me to be one. I will not be labelled as I do not believe that I can be labelled accurately. I'm me. My own person. This is my life, and I'll live it the way that I want to. I don't need people coming into my life and telling me what I can and can't do with it. I don't need your help, your sympathy, your guidance. I've made it through the last 17 and a half years without it. Let me live my life how I want to live it.
Friday, March 12, 2010
How naive
I thought I had everything figured out for a minute there, then the world goes and unravels everything at the seams.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Procrastination
My friend once told me that procrastination is a lot like masturbation; it's good while it lasts but in the end you realise you've just fucked yourself. I'm supposed to be doing my English essay which is due in tomorrow. I've done the introduction and now I've totally blanked. Why can't my mind stop thinking about everything at once? It's leaving me no room to concentrate. Man, I need some motivation. On top of it all I'm hungry. So in other words, I'm fucked.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Dreaming
I dreamt about him last night. I don't know what I think or feel anymore. I'm fairly sure he still has a girlfriend. Then there's that other boy. I saw that one at school today and was almost dying to have a conversation with him. I hate this feeling. I hate feeling insecure and unsure; I've been that way all my life and it seemed like it was getting better for a while there. I don't know if I like them or merely just want attention. Am I the type of person that needs constant attention? I really hope not ...
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