From Lauren, with love.

2010-11-26T22:08:00.000+11:00

It's weird how through your life you be so sure or something and then have it all crumble down in a matter of minutes. It's weird how a few days with someone can change your entire perception on relationships and your stance on them. I guess I still don't want to be in a relationship because I like freedom so much and I'm sure I'd suck at being someones, but it's nice to just have someone there sometimes.

I spent the last few days with a guy I met while on schoolies. Schoolies is for high school graduates where they go off and party and celebrate finishing school and generally just try to have sex or make out with as many people as possible. I guess that's what it was with this guy to begin with. Don't get me wrong, I have no particular feelings for him nor am I proclaiming my un-dying love or something equally as rediculous and creepy, but it was nice to have someone for a while. For so long I've kept people at arms length and refused to be couply because all it does is lead to drama in my life and puts me in situations that I just don't want to be in. It was different this time though, I found myself weirdly okay with it. I'm not sure if it was because I was practically drunk for 3 days straight or whether or not it was because I knew it couldn't go anywhere because we weren't in each others lives.

I think I enjoy knowing that something isn't able to go any further than I'm comfortable with. I could never see this boy again in my life if I want to, or I could make an effort to see him. I could add him on facebook or not. I could have awkward conversations or not. I like that power. If it was someone that I knew from where I lived it would be a different story and I'd be in the situation that I find myself in right now where I'm not comfortable with how regular and common this thing is becoming. It's been twice, but there's been suggestions of more. I'm leaving the country in approximately 90 days - I'm not looking for any commitment, and even if I was then it wouldn't be anyone that I've met as yet.

I guess I just like the idea of attention - of someone making a big deal over me and surrounding me in their lives. I like to become a part of a persons life for a while. I think I need to start being friends with people instead of letting hormones take over. I don't regret the last few days, or really any other time because I have had some good times and have met some pretty awesome people but I don't understand why I keep doing this to myself. I surround myself with someone only to push them away (or separate due to distances) and then feel alone and sad. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be with anyone in particular either. I'm conflicted and I'm sure if I was someone on the outside looking in right now I'd think that my life was a rediculous mess.

I'm too tired to think clearly but all I know right now is that It's going to suck when I get into bed in 5 minutes and it's empty and I'm alone...

The end of an era...

2010-10-25T20:33:00.000+11:00

So, my schooling life is almost completely over. I had my last day of high school ever mere days ago and it already seems like forever ago. I've still got 7 exams to make it through, then I'm free forever. I haven't decided quite how I feel about that yet. I guess I'm excited, thrilled even, on some level that it's finally over. Thirteen years of my life however has been dedicated to school and it's sad to see it coming to a close. There's so many people that I've gotten to know all these years that I just know I'll probably never talk to again. This makes me want to cry. I don't know what I'm going to do without everyone; seeing them every day.

Not only that, but I recently got confused as to whether or not I have feelings for this one guy (forget the mentions of all the other guys I've gotten confused over because this is an entirely new one - man there's been a few!). I recently re-realised that he was super attractive. Not quite the strikingly sexy kind of attractive, I guess the only word that I can think of is pretty but that doesn't suit him. I guess you could say handsome. In my drunken haze after our last day of school I convinced myself it was a great idea to attempt to kiss him (which went rather miserably I might add) but I'm not entirely sure if it's because I was drunk or because it was a 'deep burning desire'. I guess I'm just conflicted because I know I'm leaving the country for ages in a few months and maybe this is my brains way of always finding a way to like what's not available to me. He's not the 'random hookup' type and neither am I so it just doesn't seem fair to attempt to pursue it. Not to mention he's shown no interest in me at all.

There's something about him though that intrigues me. I've been going to school with him for around 6 years now and I've only ever had very brief conversations with him and I barely know him. Maybe it's some sort of great mystery I've just got to unravel. Who is he? I do seem to like unravelling mysteries. I just ... don't know what it is about him. He always has the same facial expression, the same style tone of voice and the same mannerisms. I've never seen him particularly overjoyed at something or upset. I guess I'm just captivated by that. I'm on overly outward person. If I'm feeling something everyone else can see it written in my face. I cry, I laugh, I jump, I dance. He stands there modelesque 24/7. I swear that boy can't look anything but perfect. I just feel like the biggest creeper ever though. What is wrong with me? Why now? Why do we always seem to do this to ourselves? We know that we can't have something and that the window of opportunity is closing in on us, but yet that's when we decide we want it. Or maybe want it in my case. I'm still confused.

If I've learnt anything over these last 13 years of school it's that school teaches you nothing about how to survive in the world. You can be taught all the figures and facts until they're coming out of your shin bones but you'll still know jack-shit about relationships, love, friendships and life. That you learn by experience. No text book can ever suffice as the sole teacher of life. I've clearly got a lot to figure out, and I'm excited about finally finding an opportunity to do so. I've just got to decide where to go from here.

Look out world, I'm coming.

From Lauren, with love.

Living life

2010-08-03T17:57:00.001+10:00

So a lot of things have changed since I posted here last. I feel as though I almost have a new perspective and joy for life. I find myself living in the future a lot; like, 'I can't wait till this happens', but I'm trying to change. I find that if you live too much in the future you forget to live in the now and pay attention to the beauty that surrounds you every day. Even the smallest, seemingly insignificant thing can change your life if you want it to. I love that. I love the fact that I have the ability to change someone's life, hopefully for the good as well. I don't understand people who constantly bring others down for something that they can't change. Paying someone out for their looks is stupid, they can hardly change the fact that they have an oval shaped head and feet the size of a babies.

I think people need to stop making others feel bad to make themselves feel better. No one person is better than anyone else. I try to live this way, and understand how hard it can be to stay on track. You just need to remember that inside every person is an insecure, beautiful person. Everyone has the right to feel special and comfortable with who they are.

We're all human here

2010-06-17T21:33:00.000+10:00

I feel as though I have some sort of philosophical thing to say every day here about human interaction. I guess that's because human interaction is what I'm most interested in. One day I hope to make studying human interaction and emotions my life; I want to be a psychologist. Some times I wish that I could read minds, but then again there's a lot of thoughts that I don't think I'd ever want to hear. There's some of my own thoughts that I'd rather not hear sometimes ...

I've had many realizations in the last few days. I always blamed certain things going on in my life on other people, but I've realized that it's not them, it's me. My personality has changed in the last year or more, which explains the change in the people surrounding me and their reaction to me. I'm a naturally flirty person now, as much as I try hard not to be. My friend keeps telling me that it's really bad, but I honestly never saw it until recently. I don't know what to do about it because it's not something that I can help. It's bizarre how much confidence I've gained. I couldn't even tell you how I gained it. All I know is one day I woke up and I realized that constantly wondering and worrying what people thought of me was holding me back from being who I really am; for embracing who I am.

There's no point living in constant fear of what people think of you. If people don't like you for who you are, and even if it's the most cliche saying in the world, they're not worth it. If they don't like you for who you are, then you shouldn't like them for who they are. Anyone who can't accept someone who is different to them needs a serious reality check. Nobody in the world is the same as any other person. We've all grown up different, had different life experiences, learn different values but ultimately we're all the same: human. We're all human, none of us are better than the other. We need to all learn to accept each other. I feel hypocritical saying all this because I don't accept people that don't accept other people, but those who don't accept people who are different with no valid reason other than just because they're not the same as them aren't people in my eyes.

One day I hope people wise up and realize what they're doing to the world.

Relationships

2010-06-15T18:06:00.000+10:00

It's weird how relationships can seemingly fade to nothing in a matter of minutes - but then again, if they do, does it mean you ever had a connection worthy enough of a relationship? I've been thinking a lot recently about how different people show how they care for others. Some people are particularly forthcoming with their feelings, some hide it in order to protect themselves and then there's that weird middle point where you never know quite what's happening with them. There's some people who'll hide their feelings one day, then be entirely truthful the next. I think those are the ones to look out for.

Relationships are fragile. We see that every day in the people around us, and often in our very own lives. We see a fight breaking out in the school corridor, a girl crying on the phone about something that's upset her, lives lost every day around us. We never know what we're going to do or say that can affect those relationships either. One minute, we're joking innocently, and the next it seems like a personal attack at someone because they're having a bad day. One minute you're expressing your point of view, and the next the person who's always told you they'd 'be there for you' is outraged and refuses to talk to you. Some days, you even wake up in the morning and realise that you don't like the relationships you're in; you don't like your friends, family, significant other. Some days you wake up in the morning and just know you're going to do something and fuck up a relationship with someone for good.

Those are the lucky days; the ones that you can actually feel coming. The unlucky ones come when you have no idea what you're about to do, only to do it and instantly regret it - except you can't let yourself regret it because you've always told yourself to never regret anything; to learn from it. So really everything is your fault, and you feel like shit because of it. Relationships are fragile and breaking them is just about the easiest and most common thing anyone can do in their lives. It's generally not always your fault, but for some reason you go on blaming yourself every single time that you think back on it.

Relationships with people, friends, and family are hard but once you get them right, a relationship with a person can be the most amazing thing in the world to you.

Dear world,

2010-06-10T19:42:00.000+10:00

I just want to let you know that I may not know who I am exactly right now, but I know who I'm not. I don't conform to the ideals that you set for normal teenage females. I don't dress like others because I specifically want to emulate them, I don't cut my hair because my hair style has gone out of fashion, I don't act differently in front of certain people in order to fit in. I won't be peer pressured; I do what I want to do. I listen to my parents when it really counts. I learn from my mistakes. I have loved, been loved, been sad, angry, frightened, depressed, confused, happy, joyous. I have been every emotion in the world. I have been almost every type of person in the world trying to figure out who I am. I have lied, I have stole, I have cheated at a game of Monopoly. I've lived a life that my parents can be proud of ... mostly. There's some things that parents just don't want to know about their children. I hold resentment, I hold grudges. It's not easy for me to forgive and forget to matter how many times I'm told I should. I have trust issues; I never trust anyone fully. I have issues with getting emotionally close to people. I hate seafood, I dislike any kind of mint and chocolate mixture and I really like chocolate cheese cake. I may not know exactly who I am, but I know a damn lot more than you do about me.

I will not be treated like a baby because of people percieve me to be one. I will not be labelled as I do not believe that I can be labelled accurately. I'm me. My own person. This is my life, and I'll live it the way that I want to. I don't need people coming into my life and telling me what I can and can't do with it. I don't need your help, your sympathy, your guidance. I've made it through the last 17 and a half years without it. Let me live my life how I want to live it.

Love

2010-06-10T14:10:00.002+10:00

I thought that I hated you, now I realise that I only hate myself.

How naive

2010-03-12T20:47:00.001+11:00

I thought I had everything figured out for a minute there, then the world goes and unravels everything at the seams.

Procrastination

2010-03-03T19:06:00.000+11:00

My friend once told me that procrastination is a lot like masturbation; it's good while it lasts but in the end you realise you've just fucked yourself. I'm supposed to be doing my English essay which is due in tomorrow. I've done the introduction and now I've totally blanked. Why can't my mind stop thinking about everything at once? It's leaving me no room to concentrate. Man, I need some motivation. On top of it all I'm hungry. So in other words, I'm fucked.

Dreaming

2010-03-02T21:08:00.000+11:00

I dreamt about him last night. I don't know what I think or feel anymore. I'm fairly sure he still has a girlfriend. Then there's that other boy. I saw that one at school today and was almost dying to have a conversation with him. I hate this feeling. I hate feeling insecure and unsure; I've been that way all my life and it seemed like it was getting better for a while there. I don't know if I like them or merely just want attention. Am I the type of person that needs constant attention? I really hope not ...

Confused

2010-02-28T15:33:00.000+11:00

I can't help but to be confused by my thoughts and my feelings. I broke up with my now ex boyfriend about 4 months ago and that's fine, I couldn't care less about that anymore, but after that I just told myself I wouldn't bother anymore. I told myself that it wasn't worth even liking another boy so I told myself I wasn't going to. Now I find myself liking two, both of whom seem to have girlfriends or at least a very rocky relationship with a female. I don't know what to do. I've decided to do nothing about it and be friends with them both but they're not exactly making it very easy. I feel as if they're subtly flirting with me and as much as I try to not notice it I keep noticing it. It's not made easier when my friends notice it too.

Maybe I'm reading into it too much. I don't want a relationship. I don't want a boyfriend or someone like that. I just want to be friends with guys without this drama.

It's been a while.

2010-02-17T22:22:00.000+11:00

So, I've officially started my last year of school as of 3 weeks ago. I have 9 months left to go and I'm both terrified and elated at the possibility of finally finishing and moving away from home. This town has been my home for the last 12 years and I can honestly say I'll miss being here. That isn't to say that I don't want to get out of here, it's kind of a hole, but I'll miss the familiarity and the comfort that this silly little town provides.

Something about getting my exam dates already has me freaked as well. It all seems so real now and the end is getting nearer and nearer with each passing day. I hope it's a good year, because I know I'll remember it for the rest of my life.

From Lauren, With Love.

Dear smokers of the world,

2010-01-06T22:57:00.001+11:00

I get that it’s addicting and hard to quit, but if you care enough it shouldn’t be. Every smoke that you inhale into your lungs is causing damage and killing you. It’s common knowledge nowdays so people can’t use the excuse of “I didn’t know” anymore. My parents were both smokers. My dad quit because he was only really doing it occasionally to look “cool” to his friends. My mother still smokes and I try to get her to stop all the time. I honestly don’t want my mother dying prematurely from something that she’s voluntarily doing to herself. I tell every smoker that I come accross that they should quit. It’s not because i’m trying to be annoying and tell them what to do and how to “conform” it’s because I care enough to try and prevent them from damaging their lungs and ruining their lives. I’m not going to stop nagging people to quit. It’s a horrible addiction. You can make whatever choice that you want to about it. If you want to smoke, smoke. Just know that I’ll be making my own choice to advice you not to. Not only for the little children that you’re smoking around and all the other non smokers you’re potentially giving cancer; but mostly for yourselves. Someone needs to help you, and someone needs to care enough to tell you to stop. I’ll be that person. Even if you hate me because of it.

From Lauren, With Love.

The New Year

2010-01-01T20:31:00.003+11:00

So I spent my new years night with my best friend. We got dressed up super fancy, made a tub of punch and got spastically drunk while watching Undercover Brother, Orange County and playing guitar hero until 6am. We had many laughs and took many really horrible looking photos. Here's one for you to enjoy.

That's my super awesome plastic martini glass and the Undercover Brother DVD. This is one of the more normal photos of me when I was still somewhat sober. The rest I have asian eyes going on and I look completely inebriated. It was the best New Years ever. It was just the two of us and, as I said last night "100% attendence is pretty good!"

We sang, we danced, we had heaps of fun.

I'm definately looking forward to this coming year now.

It shall be epic.

Family drama

2009-12-27T20:09:00.001+11:00

I’m sick of these constant arguments. It’s not only each other that you’re upsetting, you’re upsetting and annoying everyone else in the house. Just calm the fuck down when you talk to each other, you always just yell and scream and I’m sick of it. Yes, he’s kind of a toss bag and at times I hate him, but he’s still my brother mum. You’re not always right and I wish you could just see that. I hate this, I wish I could just fucking get away from here sometimes.

From Lauren, With Love.

can't believe it isn't butter.

2009-12-23T23:10:00.001+11:00

Wow, it's the eve of christmas eve already! This is insane. The year just went so damn fast, then before i know it it'll be another year away from now and I'll be saying the exact same thing. Time flies when you're so damn busy and tired to think about it! Merry Christmas to the world :)

Goodbye!

2009-12-22T23:07:00.000+11:00

So today was the goodbye dinner for Travis, a guy that i work with. He's moving to Melbourne in a few weeks and is finishing up at work on the 24th of december. I'm going to miss him actually, he was pretty awesome! The boss came along to the dinner and I think he might think me and my friend Keah are a little strange now because we didn't stop talking. I think we talked about accidentally lighting ourselves on fire on new years and he was like o.O what? Highly amusing. I'm looking forward to new years now. Keah and I have big plans. We're gunna watch Baseketball, get smashed, run around with sparklers and possibly jump in my pool. Should be fun! Baseketball drinking game is a go as well. joy!

Glad I could help.

2009-12-21T21:20:00.001+11:00

I'm glad that you finally came to me with your feelings. No one should have that sort of stuff bottled up inside. I'm glad that you talked to dad about it too. I love you, mum.

Busy Bee

2009-12-20T22:51:00.000+11:00

I've been far to busy to write in this thing every day at the moment. It is Christmas time afterall and it appears that I spend less and less time on the computer everyday. I figure it's healthier this way. Still need to finish my mothers Christmas present, maybe tomorrow... I have a few days yet.

I don't know what i'm doing anymore.

2009-12-18T21:13:00.001+11:00

Why does everything have to be so hard? Not to mention exhausting ...

Contemplating,

2009-12-17T21:40:00.000+11:00

So I've been doing a lot of contemplating and thinking about my future recently. I'm just about to go into my last year of high school and before i know it I'll be at Uni, broke and alone. I've been talking to my mum about ways to save money and it's almost starting to freak me out. I don't know if I'll have the time to get a job while I'm at Uni so I've got to start saving now. We figured out I could probably save about $7,000, and my parents will pay for my residential fees so that means I've got about $7,000 to feed myself, clothe myself and buy my appropriate text books and such for a year. I don't know what I'll do after that year but I'm hoping on a scholarship to be honest. I'm sure some of that money has to go towards all of my fees and other random stuff along the way. It's strange how fast I'm growing up. I'm freaking out really. I don't know how this is going to work but I guess I have to just get through this coming year first, then I'll worry about the year after. Hopefully I win the lottery on my 18th birthday, that would be epic.

Tuesday

2009-12-16T22:03:00.000+11:00

So, I don't even have a reason as to why I missed yesterday. I guess I just forgot really ... I ended up downloading Gossip Girl, watching that, watching some Las Vegas and going to bed really. Today I did a similar thing; woke up, ate, watched Las Vegas, hung out with a friend I hadn't seen in a while and I just finished my homework for the day. It's 10pm and I almost forgot to even post here today, I guess i'm frequenting the computer less and less each day. I guess it's a good thing. It beats spending my entire holidays on here. Tomorrow i'm going to the doctors agin, which will be fun. Hopefully he doesn't stick something up my nose again and suck all the snot out, that was quite weird last time. I think i'll get to finally do some Christmas shopping. Who knew K-Mart was open 24 hours now!? God, that's awesome. i hope it's not just for Christmas...

The results are in

2009-12-14T14:45:00.001+11:00

So I finally got my results back for my VCE subject and I got an A+, an A and a B+ so I'm fairly happy with that. I wish that B+ was an A but that's okay. I got a study score of 37 I believe, which will be scaled down to about a 36 most likely. It's decent, but average. I wish i could have gotten in the 40's but I think I needed all A+'s for that. Maybe in my subjects next year! Solid start to VCE though.

Finally over it.

2009-12-13T21:33:00.000+11:00

I'm finally over feeling anything for you. I don't hate you, you don't annoy me, I don't not want to talk to you, I don't care anymore. When you talk to me I talk to you like you're anyone else, not a person I used to love and not the boy whose heart I may have broken mere weeks or months ago. I don't even remember it happening; and I don't care. I occasionally think about you but its becoming less and less frequent. I realised that I don't miss you but what I miss is the things that I did with you and your friends; hang out, have fun, get drunk and roam the streets. I don't mind if you're not there when I do that, I just want to. I wish that I was eighteen, or that my parents cared what I did a little less. But this message is to you Daryl, wherever you are right now; I don't love you, and I don't care anymore. There's no hope for us ever again and I couldn't be happier.

Saturday;

2009-12-13T14:31:00.000+11:00

So I missed out on writing this blog yesterday, but I'm not going to count it as a missed day because I was really busy, and then my computer didn't work. I had work from about 9-3.30 then I had to help my mum bake cupcakes and such for a Christmas party that I then attended from 6-10.30. Old people all together drunk is both amusing and slightly disturbing. Especially once you mix a pool into it as well. Some of those people should not be wearing 'one pieces' cover up please! I wish I could have gotten drunk, but then there would be no way I could do my massive amount of homework for the day. Although it is well past lunch already ... I guess I should start though, farewell.

Pointless, but sure ...why not.

2009-12-11T19:01:00.000+11:00

I feel kind of terrible abou the fact that I don't want to go to my parents vow commitment ceremony thing. For one thing, they're already married and have been for the last 17 years. Why can't they wait till it's 20 years or something? it just seems really random and pointless at this time but, whatever. Mum planned it on a day that she specifically knew that I was working too. The date has absolutely no significance to their marriage (that I know of) and she's telling me I HAVE to get the day off work to attend knowing full well that my boss is an ass that doesn't give me time off well. The fact that she told me today of all days when it's in January is ridiculous, I need more time before to let him know. I don't know, I guess call me ...unromantic, but I see no point in two married people to 'recommit' to each other after a random number of years and after they were never really uncommited. I don't really want to go. I have to though and I guess that's why I'm annoyed. I HAVE to do this, and I don't like being told what I have to do. I'm far too busy right now and don't have time for it, but I guess I'll have to try.

I secretly dig it.

2009-12-10T21:19:00.000+11:00

Okay so maybe it's actually not all that secretive but minus the fact that my boss can sometimes be an absolute arse; I love my job. Yes, there are times when i just cannot be bothered doing any of it and would rather be anywhere else in the world but it's probably one of the better jobs I could do as a seventeen year old with no qualifications. I mean, I could be working at McDonalds which would be shit, but working in a CD/DVD store and being able to help people with things and KNOW things about music is good. Also being surrounded by it everyday and learning more every day is kind of awesome. I wish I owned a music store, I think it would be sweet.

Day zero.

2009-12-09T17:32:00.002+11:00

So today I decided was going to be day zero of my 'Hard Times with Lauren' blog that I started. It's supposed to help me to understand Charles Dickens' book Hard Times a little more and will allow me to analyse or interpret it as I go along. It should also keep me on track with where I need to be in terms of my background knowledge and actual reading of the book for when school commences next year. I hope to do great in VCE next year and if I have to do a daily blog of Charles Dickens' book to do that I will. I'm determined. I want to win this. So wish me luck!

Dear Vanessa,

2009-12-08T20:39:00.001+11:00

I know we haven't spoken in quite a few years now but I briefly thought about you last night and how much i miss you. I can't believe you just moved without contacting me. I guess we drifted apart after I went to secondary school and you didn't, then even after you got there as well we just had different lives. I hope we get to meet again some day, and i hope you had a wonderful birthday (I remembered last night at 2am that it was the same day as mine). I shall find you on facebook one day (when you decide to make a page) and we shall be friends once again. Either that or I shall hunt your butt down in Queensland. I miss all the fun we used to have.

From Lauren, with love.

Strange, but true.

2009-12-07T13:27:00.001+11:00

I'm thoroughly enjoying this blogging every day thing. I quite like it actually. It's sometimes hard to think of anything even legitimately interesting to say (lets face it, most of what I say probably isn't interesting at all!) but otherwise it's good for me. I bottle up my feelings far too much and it's good to have a place where I can just let it all out without worrying that my brothers may find it hidden underneath my bed. I mean, if they wanted to find this they could but I don't really care. I'm not writing I heart Jensen Ackles all over it, although I should. I'm shattered he's getting married ... I have far too many celebrity crushes though.

I like to think that I'm learning and growing every day even though sometimes it doesn't seem that way. Looking back at this, even though I've been doing it for less than a month I know that it's true; we do learn things every day. It could range from learning to put up with something inevitable or learning a little bit more about yourself. I'm happy to say that I'm growing up and learning every day. Sometimes I look to the future and wish that I could get out of school and just start actually living life but then I realise that I've actually been living it for the past 17 years. I've only got one more year of adult supervision and after that I'm on my own. I'm thankful for all that I've learned in these past 17 years because the lessons I've learned made me who I am and will continue to keep me safe in the future. I hope I never forget that.

Socially challenged.

2009-12-06T20:19:00.001+11:00

So my parents are going to buy me a ticket to paramore's concert in February for Christmas BUT they're buying themselves tickets as well. I've been to concerts with my dad and that's been fine but my mum tagging along too? It kind of scream sad to me. I'm seventeen years old, I don't need nor want both parents coming with me. My mum doesn't even like Paramore! What the? But I guess I'll live. I get to see paramore anyway. I don't care if other people look at me weirdly. So if you're at Paramore's Melbourne concert on the 23rd of Feb next year and you see some poor, unfortunate girl with both of her parents; that's me.

Alas, humanity!

2009-12-05T16:10:00.001+11:00

So I finally talked to my boss today like he was a real person. We chatted about drums and my future. I said I was going to Uni but wasn't sure if I was going to have a gap year or not and he said that I'm welcome to work there whenever. I guess that stands so long as I don't get fired in the next year! So that's good. I enjoy money and job security.

Flushed away

2009-12-04T21:17:00.000+11:00

So I went and saw an ENT surgeon today and he sucked all the snot out of my nose and the puss out of my sinuses. It was really rather weird and gross actually ... not the most comfortable experience ever but it was okay. The part I'm now freaking out about it the fact that he said down the track I may need surgery; something about drilling holes in my cheeks! Sounds fricken crazy. I think I'd almost rather be sick all the time. Needles freak me out, i don't want to deal with drills! So yeah, I have been given this medication stuff and i'm supposed to flush out my nose every few days till I go see him in two weeks time to discuss further things that may be needed. I think the reason I'm not already in line for surgery is because I have severe allergies and that may be what us causing my nose to react and produce massive amounts of snot. I hope so. But maybe that means more desensitisation needles. Either way this is not going to turn out well.

I feel as though I'm ranting about this every day.

2009-12-03T23:50:00.000+11:00

I'm sick of people judging me because of what I like or how I act sometimes. Yes, I do enjoy Disney. In fact I love Disney! If it's Disney I'm likely to eat that shiz up and I'm not ashamed of it. I got weird looks and comments from my co-workers today when I put on a Disney (Hannah Montana, Camp Rock & High School Musical style) compilation CD but I didn't care. I know who I am and I like what I like. I do not go around saying what you like is shit and calling you dumb because you like it; I like to think I'm unjudging and accepting of the fact that not everyone is going to like what I like. I know Twilight isn't all that great; to be honest the books are poorly written and the acting in the movies is not exactly the best in the world but who cares? I don't get why people waste effort bothering to bag it out so consistently. You can have your opinion all you want but when you start calling people 'stupid' and insulting their intelligence and sexuality then you're going too far. I think I've ranted about this numerous times but I see it every day; people can't accept other people’s opinions and it honestly is starting to give me the shits.

I get it; you hate twilight, the Jonas brothers, Miley Cyrus and pretty much everything that I somehow still seem to like. It doesn't make you better or more intelligent than me. It merely makes you different to me. These people are constantly saying that everyone is the same and they should strive for individuality because Twilight is so 'lame' and 'uncool'. Aren't you being hypocritical in asking everyone to be exactly like you? Nobody in the world is going to agree with EVERYTHING that you like. I think that people should just grow up and realise that no matter how much you bag out something it isn't going to stop someone from liking it. I didn't like Twilight all that much but since people seem to hate it so passionately (some without giving it a shot! Fair enough if you gave it a shot and didn't like it, I respect your opinion and your right to express that opinion but if you don't even give it a go you have no right to remark on other people who do like it) I now like to stick up for it as much as possible.

People should not have to feel embarrassed or ashamed for liking something; especially not on the internet. I'm sure there's something that you like that your friends would think is 'nerdy' or 'lame' such as RPing? Yet you still do it, why? It’s because you love it for some reason. Other people may not understand it but it doesn't matter to you because it's what you like. Nobody liked to be ridiculed for what they like. I can't say that I like being stereotyped as a blonde 11 year old pop addict that dresses like a slut; because apparently that's what I should be because I love Miley Cyrus and various other pop music artists. Guess what? That's not me at all. I mostly listen to alternative, rock and ska music. People are complex and there are many layers to them. You can't go classifying someone as 'stupid' because they like something. Have your opinion if you want, express it all you like but DO NOT insult people or ridicule them in the process. This is where I start to REALLY get annoyed.

Cheap cleaning.

2009-12-02T22:23:00.000+11:00

So my boss is now getting me to go into work occasionally at 8am to clean for an hour before we open. I think it's only because he has to pay me the least out of everyone on pay roll. It also menas he doesn't have to pay anyone overtime because I work the least as well. I don't want to work at 8am! That means I have to get up before 8 and I don't think I've done that for quite a few months now. I can't function that early in the day. But it does mean that I get a key to the store. Yes, he trusts me. I don't know how it's going to work though but i'm sure i'll figure it out. God, I hate cleaning.

Bi-polar tendencies.

2009-12-01T16:17:00.000+11:00

I swear my ex must be Bi-Polar. One minute he's angry because I tell him he needs to grow the hell up, then the next he's apologising and saying we should still be friends. Basically, I sent him a facebook message (would have done it face to face but I just snapped and had to send it via facebook) saying that he should grow up and take responsibility for his own life and the way it's turned out then he got upset, deleted me off of facebook, gave me back a ring I agve to him and told a mutal friend of ours that I was "out of his life for good". I didn't really care to be honest, it was a relief that he finally seemed to hate me for dumping him but then today he re-adds me on facebook again and says that he was just overly emotional and not thinking straight. He then proceeds to tell me that I should keep the ring I gave him to remind myself of him. I dumped him! I don't exactly want to remind myself of him or remember him. He now wants to be friends again. He's more of a fricken girl than I am! That was part of the problem. Ergh, I just don't even know what to do anymore. It would be much simpler if he hated me; then we could just avoid each other and move on with our lives. I wish he'd delete my friends of facebook though. He's not even friends with them. It's really starting to annoy me. I'm haivng dreams about it and everything. Gah. Boys. They're so stupid. I refuse to have a boyfriend for at least a few years. They're too much hassle sometimes.

Being sick; day two.

2009-11-30T22:52:00.000+11:00

So it's now the second day that i've officially been feeling ill. I wish it would go away. I had to go into work and clean today and it was horrible. Now I have to go in at 9am tomorrow till 2 and I feel like shit and don't really think I cna be peppy enough for anyone. It's going to be a bitch too cause Christmas is coming up. People get catty around Christmas who'd have thought it!?

Ew

2009-11-29T23:27:00.000+11:00

So I just put my hand in my own snot; God I hate being sick. On the up side I have about 24 hours to finish my Nano story and only about 6,000 words left so I think I'll be bale to finish it on time which is awesome. It was touch and go for a while there! I'm keeping it short and brief today because I'm not feeling too well - as I said I hate being sick. I feel as though I only just got over being sick the last time. Now I get to go through it all again, and at Christmas time; have you no shame bacteria! Where's your holiday spirit!?

My Saturday ..

2009-11-29T12:18:00.002+11:00

My Saturday consisted of working from 9-3.30 with half an hour break, then coming home and watching Las Vegas for 6 hours and the writing my nano for the rest of the day, and watching a few eps of 30 Rock as I was falling asleep. I have a sad life.

Oh yeah, I go to a catholic school.

2009-11-27T18:02:00.000+11:00

So I had my year 11 presentation night and dinner last night (which I was late to having done my make-up, hair and put on my shoes in the 5 minute car ride to my school) and I won an award. I won the academic award for RE (Religious Education), I totally forgot I had even done the subject let alone there be an award for it. It was kind of an awkward moment when I saw sitting there and everyone turned to look at me after I won it. It was probably one of the lamest awards to win but hey, I still won something. It also means I bet everyone in my year level of about 100 to get the award. I'm proud of that. I got some sort of spiritual books too, win. I plan to read them soon. It shall be epic.

Caught In a Bad Romance.

2009-11-26T18:45:00.000+11:00

I love Lady Gaga right now and I really want to go to her concert in March next year. I'll probably have work or school though which fails. I'm finally completely finished for the year, had my graduation dinner last night and I ended up getting the RE award. I completely forgot about the award actually but I'm glad that I managed to win something! I'm hoping to get a lot next year.

I watched New Moon the other night as well and I have to say it was exactly what I expected; decent acting by most but shit by the main two actors. They did some horrible casting in that movie. RPattz can't pull off Edward and Kristen Stewart struggles with any form of acting. They were both rather horrible but I do have to sya I didn't mind Kristen when Jacob was around. I'm angry at Bella for getting back with Edward after seeing the movie with Bella and Jacob together - I may have to just not watch the next two (last one will be the worst anyway) and just pretend she ends up with Jacob. Although Jacob deserves someone better than Bella. Ergh, why am I talking about this? I don't care anymore. They're horrible books and pretty crappy movies to be honest. I'd rather read a two year olds story sometimes.

Harsh, perhaps?

2009-11-25T15:19:00.000+11:00

Okay so I may have been a tad harsh on someone last night and I feel a little bit bad about it but it honestly needed to be said. You can't go on in life blaming your bad situation on past bad situations when you're not even trying. I'm sorry but if you don't try of course you're going to get no where in life. Life isn't easy and school isn't easy either. I'm about to enter into my last year of school and I refuse to just coast through it like other people I know have. I want to make something of myself and this person that I may have been harsh on barely turned up for school in his last year and barely put in any effort. He had a bad upbringing. His father had cancer several times and his mum isn't in particular good health either but that doesn't mean he can just go out, get drunk every night then blame the fact that he's going no where on his cirumstances. Fuck, if JLo can go from being poor and from the 'block' to rich anyone can. You just can't sit around and wait for it to happen on its own. Life is about getting off of your fat, lazy ass and doing something that you can be proud of.

Regret

2009-11-24T21:24:00.001+11:00

So I say in life I don't regret things and I'd really like to keep it that way. Grow the fuck up and don't make me regret even knowing you. I don't want to regret it. Although that still doesn't mean I want to know you anymore. You're acting like an immature child and I'm supposed to be the childish one. Fuck. GROW UP.

Early start.

2009-11-23T20:48:00.000+11:00

So I had my early start classes for my subjects for next year. I've got masses amounts of homework to do over hte holidays and I'm not looking forward to it. I may have no life over the summer. Or I may complete no homework; not sure if I'm going to get a balance of the two. I also need to finish this Nano story. I have 7 days and about 19,000 words to go. I think I might just be able to do it. I hope so! Wish me luck!

This ain't no time for your bad attitude.

2009-11-22T14:22:00.000+11:00

I've been listening to far too much Miley Cyrus. I just finished watching the movie Bolt and for some reason I can't get that song out of my head now. The song isn't even in the movie either. Cute movie though, I guess i'm a sucker for happy animated movies. I did cry though, god it was sad. Same with the movie Up! Which is the most amazing animated movie since Finding Nemo. Seriously. If you haven't seen it you really should, it's not something you should miss out on! I'm currently ~downloading New Moon.I refuse to actually pay money to go see it in the cinemas. I'll buy it on DVD once it comes out but if it's going to cost me $13 and it's likely that I wont like it i'm not going to go see it. The first half has about an hour to go. Then I have to download the second half; joy. I hate waiting.

Partay.

2009-11-22T11:00:00.000+11:00

Okay so my friend took that song 'it's my party and i'll cry if I want to' too seriously. She got insanely drunk and started crying and throwing up, poor thing. Basically she needs to get out of the relationship she's in it's just causing her hurt and anger. He's an idiot and he's an arse to her. She doesn't deserve it. Me and my friend Keah for the party filled baloons up with glitter and blew them up, then we popped them everywhere on top of people. It was epic and the most amazing thing we've ever come up with. I guess the only downside was my ex was there and it was awkward, and my friend was upset. I hope she feels better <3

Life for sale

2009-11-20T21:51:00.001+11:00

So we're having a garage sale tomorrow at my house (come along!) and we're selling so much stuff. My mother has far too much star trek crap it's not funny. I cleaned out all my closet and most of my childhood (or pre-teen) memrobilia (I don't know how to spell that word) and toys are being sold. Or, at least we're putting them up for sale. Who knows whether any of it will even sell! I hope it does. I'm sick of seeing half of the stuff everywhere! My birthday was amazing <3 My friends all got me awesome gifts. They know me far too well! I've always wanted a monocule and a fake handlebar moustache. Thanks Tegan! That is all I have today! Goodnight, I'm tired. I have to work tomorrow. Fail.

I can cry if I want to.

2009-11-19T11:17:00.000+11:00

So it's my birthday =D I'm quite happy about that. I don't feel much older and basically all I've been given so far is money, which I love so it's all good! My friends are coming over soon for a bbq / pool party deal. I'm currently in the process of dressing up as lady gaga. I possibly love dressing up whore like far too much. There's something wrong with me... Anyway, happy birthday to all those else out there that shares this wonderful day of birth! <3

It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas.

2009-11-18T15:55:00.000+11:00

I travelled to Geelong today to gather my accessories for my Lady Gaga inspired costume for my birthday tomorrow and there was Christmas stuff everywhere. I can't believe this year has gone so far. I'm almost 17, infact I will be in 8 hours and 9 minutes. Then it's only a year till I can finally legally consume alcohol. I'll be moving on up and out into the world. Uni's just around the corner which means the upcoming year will be the most important of my life. Apparently I need to get a 90 or above ENTER score to get a scholarship. Not sure that's going to happen so poverty here I come! I shall enjoy life's blessings while I can afford them. Saving up money is also a good idea. Good luck to everyone else entering the last of our high school years for the upcoming work that shall present itself to us. It wont be easy, but it shall be something we wont forget. Happy birthday to my friend Alice for today as well, enjoy it babe <3

It's official.

2009-11-17T18:32:00.000+11:00

Today is officially day three of my attempt to blog once a day for at least 2 months. I intended to do it anyway but since It's on my list of 101 things in 1001 days I figure it should help me keep it on track more. There are of course days I will not have access to a computer but I plan to blog in advance and make it post automatically or I plan to write it down and type it up later. I've already started numerous things on my list, but i know that it's going to be a hard one to fill. I didn't exactly make it easy for myself because I'm prone to forgetting to do things daily. I had a dream last night, I'm sure i did but I can't for the life of me remember it so i don't believe that counts as forgetting to put it in my dream journal. I have successfully (or perhaps not so much) complete all of my year 11 exams and am now entering into my last year of school (well, in a few months anyway). It's all highly exciting and I'm slightly anxious about it all. I hope I cna keep myself motivated to complete it successfully at to the best of my ability. But we shall see!

101 in 1001 days.

2009-11-16T20:32:00.000+11:00

So my last 101 things ended in february this year and it's taken me till now to finally remember all about it. I've decided to start a new one and here's my list for the years ahead! Hopefully time won't fly quite as much this time around!

001. Grow my hair to the middle of my back.
002. Go on a road trip.
003. Go on a camping trip.
004. Spend a weekend lounging around in bed.
005. Spend a weekend doing homework.
006. Spend a weekend with a friend.
007. Read 101 books (0/101) Library
008. Finish watching Sex and the City
009. Finish watching Buffy and Angel
010. Write a novel or sequal to nanowrimo novel of 100,000 words+ (0/100,000)

011. Complete a colouring book.
012. Complete a soduku book.
013. Travel out of Australia.
014. Go to a concert.
015. Ride on a motorbike.
016. Drive for 120 hours (0/120)
017. Open up a savings account.
018. Save 25% of my wages for a year.
019. Make a photo-collage of pictures of me, family and friends for my room
020. Make a photo-collage of pictures for my friend's 18th birthday.

021. Play Mini-golf.
022. Watch 250 movies (0/250) List
023. Write a blog everyday for two months (0/2)
024. Clean out all the junk in my room.
025. Buy myself a boquet of flowers.
026. Randomly buy someone else flowers.
027. Compliment someone every day (0/1001)
028. Go stargazzing.
029. Go to see a live musical production.
030. Make a playlist of all the songs that make me happy. Name it 'Happiness'.

031. Remember to eat breakfast every day for a month.
032. Discover 20 singers/bands new to me. (0/6)
033. Volunteer for 10 things at school (0/10)
034. Watch all episodes of Grey's Anatomy
035. Save all my loose change for 3 months (0/3)
036. Scrapbook my last year of school.
037. Take one self portrait a week for a year.
038. Clean up and organise everything on my computer.
039. Write and give someone a letter once a month.
040. Visit a zoo.

041. Visit a museum.
042. Visit an aquarium.
043. Give 20 "just cause" gifts to those I love (0/20)
044. Listen to every song in my Itunes.
045. Learn Spanish and be able to make myself understood. (Beginner's Level)
046. Stop talking to my ex.
047. Learn to write legible with my left hand
048. Take pictures at 10 big events/outings (0/10)
049. Have an intentional internet free day once every month (0/33)
050. Write down any dreams I remember on my dreamjournal for 2 months. (0/2) Dream Journal

051. Be accepted into a University.
052. Get to advanced in graphics, writing and coding on RCR.
053. Learn to tie a tie.
054. Send a message in a bottle.
055. Throw a themed party.
056. Complete the 5000 questions survey (0/5000)
057. Run 5K non-stop before the end date of this project.
058. Learn a healthy way of dealing with stress and put it into practice.
059. Get into the habit of putting things away instead of just putting them down wherever I happen to be.
060. Become an Australian citizen.

061. Aquire a British passport.
062. Aquire a Australian passport.
063. Enter 10 contests (0/10)
064. Win a contest.
065. Have a spa day.
066. Organise my books by Author and series.
067. Complete all year 12 English books 3 times (0/3)
068. Complete and edit NaNoWriMo 2009
069. Complete and edit NaNoWriMo 2010
070. Complete and edit NaNoWriMo 2011

071. Donate $1.00 to charity for every unfinished goal
072. Do my taxes each year (0/3)
073. Buy (and wear) an outfit consisting of absolutely ridiculously bright clothing at least once. (0/1)
074. Buy oversized fake glasses.
075. Become active in 4 online communities (0/4)
076. Go out on a date.
077. Close an old chapter of my life for good.
078. Write a list of 101 things that make me happy. (0/101)
079. Make something for 5+ people (0/5)
080. Read 101 fanfiction stories of any genre (0/101)

081. Read 101 completed original stories from Fictionpress.com (0/101)
082. Document 20+ of my 101 things, using pictures.
083. Complete Project 365 (0/365)
084. Write 25 Short Stories (0/25)
085. Ask for nothing but donations to charity for one gift-giving holiday.
086. Run up an escalator that’s moving down
087. Take the stairs instead of an elevator 10 times (0/10)
088. Win a chess game.
089. Email future-self an email that doesn't arrive until the 1001th day
090. Donate fifty thousand grains of rice at FreeRice(dot)com (500/50,000)

091. Help a stranger.
092. Eat breakfast for dinner 10 times (0/10)
093. Successfully complete the Impossbile Quiz.
094. Stay up for 24 hours 10 times (0/10)
095. Take pictures in a photo booth
096. Reveal thirty secrets about me using photos (0/30)
097. Swim in the ocean 10 times (0/10)
098. Bake 33 times (0/33)
099. Make 3 new friends offline (0/3)
100. Complete the 26 things project 26 things
101. On the 1001th day, read the letter from #89

Falling head first.

2009-11-16T13:59:00.000+11:00

So just bombed my year eleven maths methods exam. It doesn't really matter all that much but I still feel as though there could have been something more I should have done. It wasn't as if I didn't know how to do it, I just ran out of time. My heart completely dropped when the teacher told me I had a minute left. I was so sure I had half an hour left. It strange how some moments in life pass by so painfully slow and others buzz past you in the blink of an eye. Before I know it death will be catching up with me, which is a rather morbid thought so forget I said that. I guess my point is that life is quick, so I'm going to try and make the most of it while I can. I'm sure as hell going to do a lot of studying next year as well! I don't want to bomb out on life too.

I'd also just like to say that glee is one of the most amazing shows I've ever seen. If you haven't seen it, watch it.

Fitting into boxes.

2009-11-15T16:17:00.000+11:00

So I've been thinking recently about stereotypes and how people seem to judge each other by what music they listen to, what kind of clothes they wear and how they talk. I've realised, although I've known it for a while, that stereotypes are stupid and inaccurate. I have a friend who most people would consider a nerd, yet there's so much more to her than that. She listens to rap music, loves musicals, enjoying roleplaying and dresses kind of like a slut in her spare time. I would say there was no real way to classify her or to stereotype her, yet people still try. There's no way that you can put any one person into a box and say that they fit in exactly. The beauty of people is that we're all different. Even if some people seem the same, we're all unique- and no that does not make us all alike either. Judging people based off the music they listen to or what they wear is rediculously idiotic. You're no better than anyone else just because you listen to a 'better' kind of music and it annoys me when people think they are. People are allowed to like whatever they want and whatever makes them happy. Why should people feel bad about liking something that makes them happy? Most of all, why should you be able to take that away from them?

The obvious answer is you shouldn't. Next time you go to judge someone just remember that the fact that they're different and proud to like different things than you is a beautiful thing in itself. It's not something to be ridiculed about.

Brand New Eyes

2009-11-15T01:02:00.001+11:00

I'm a new person these days, so i guess this means a new blog. My old one wouldn't really work anyway so I figured might as well start over. Here's to blogging, a form of expression made easier by social networking sites such as Twitter. Nobody truely blogs anymore, and I didn't for a very long time. I've since decided that I want to remember my life somehow and this sure beats carting around a billion journals. I wish I could take back all those journals over the years, I really don't wish to read them now. I do know later in life I'll want to remember these years though. I'll look back and smile, laugh and reminise. These truely will be the best days of my life; I'll make sure of it.

From Lauren, with love.